In the middle of the night.

I’m back. And the trip overall was great. There was some bad along with the good but overall I really enjoyed it and Inshallah I’ll go visit there again soon some day. I took pictures and I have stories, but that will come on the weekend. Right now I just wanted to post.

I thought about starting a new blog for this. I didn’t know if I wanted to put this here and really I’m still not sure. I may make a new blog for such thoughts later…we’ll see. Basically, the last couple days I was really feeling down. I feel really alone in NY sometimes. Sure I know some ppl. I have made some friends. But (no offense to any of them) I haven’t become very close to any of them yet. And when I feel sad or down and even when I’m not sad and just want to talk, I end up calling my friends and family back in Canada, or Caitlin who’s in CT.

I just get really tired of not having ppl here sometimes. I am so lucky for all that I have. Am I being ungrateful? Should I just be happy and content with what I have? Well I know I should be grateful. I am. But I guess the answer is that I shouldn’t stop striving for more. You know, dinner and food is always nice. But it’d be really nice to just really get to know ppl. To be able to just sit at home with some friends and talk and laugh just playing a board games. Just enjoying simple things.

Its hard to keep trying, I have tried. I’ve tried so many different things. And things are much better than before. I can to a degree understand why so many ppl do so many bad things sometimes….its an escape…but its temporary. And I’m thankful I havent fallen so far down.

Sometimes I wonder or think, I should just be a hermit. Really, just live alone and be alone and then you don’t have the pain of leaving ppl. But really thats not me. I’m out of my funk…sort of now…out of the worst of it. I won’t stop now, cause I cant stop. I will try new things and enjoy life and meet new people and things will be awesome. Why? Because I am Preston Burke err…..I mean Ahmed Siddiqui….and i can do anything. This is really a bit of a jumble of thoughts and its a bit hard to organize…i won’t try since it doesn’t really matter.

Maybe it would have made more sense the other day when I was down. Now i’m back to….meh status? hehe.

I was talking to Dania yesterday and its interesting. I am an idealist and optomist, least in the long run. And I can almost always always find energy to be optomistic and encouraging and supportive to others. I wonder why I find it so much more difficult to do the same for myself.

Another thought that occured to me a couple weeks ago is. Sometimes I talk to people and I can relate exactly to what they are going through. Which often catches them by surprise, you ahmed? really? how do you know. And I just feel like for a lot of things I’ve been there done that. And i’ve moved on to varying degrees. And I dont’ mean this to sound conceited nor to make myself seem like i’m “oh so wise”. I’m definitely not, hehe, quite the opposite much of the time. I just mean, I wonder if in 5 years I’ll be able to look back and be like wow, this was all such a big deal and confusing and whatnot but really, its all so simple now. Does life always follow that pattern? I suppose it does.

Things are never as good or as bad as they seem.

My friend said I’m going through an existential period. I just looked it up. I think…I always am. I feel that I use to be a Robot. I was very shy about things. And wasn’t very expressive. Very reserved and well giving a very robotic appearance to others. I’ve improved in that sense. I smile more now. I talk a bit more. I’m a bit more outgoing. I know I can handle myself with others. I dont care what ppl think usually (only those I care about). Still, I keep a lot hidden. Bottled up, not just the negative stuff. But sometimes the good too. I can smile more. Laugh more. I know one day the side of me that sings and dances (um….if i do…i admit nothing!) will feel free to do so infront of others. I suppose posting this so publicly is a step in that regard….though I feel a bit embarassed to do so. A new semi-private blog may be on the way…

This post is too long now, let me just say thank you to my family and friends and even the randoms that i’ve talk to online, that comment on this blog, that i’ve met in person. You’ve helped me…….keep sane. I don’t think people realize the help and kindness they offer in small things. Its why smiling is a good deed.

I promise the next post will be lighter. And it’ll have pictures! Thats always fun. =)

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
And its a wonder to my sight
All the things that I do keep

I wonder if it’ll come
Everything that I do seek
As I pray in my heart
From its valley to its peak

I know there be a day
A day where everythings okay
And as sad as I may be
I still look at life with glee

As I go walking in the night
And I’m searching left and right
Theres only I thing that I need
And then I see you all there with me.

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2 responses to “In the middle of the night.

  1. Oh my God! I felt like I was reading something written by me. This is EXACTLY how I feel. EXACTLY. I can’t emphasise the exactly enough. I am in the same exact boat as you. *sigh*

    I really think at times to just give up and become a hermit as well, but then just like you, I realise I can’t do that…

    You know, dinner and food is always nice. But it’d be really nice to just really get to know ppl. To be able to just sit at home with some friends and talk and laugh just playing a board games. Just enjoying simple things.

    Seriously. I don’t have any good friends here, to be honest, neither did I in New York lol, I find it really hard to make friends these days. But just last night I got together with a friend and his sister and a friend of theirs and we played parcheesi, and it was lotsss of fun!! I wish I had some really close friends that I could get together with and have game night at least once every two weeks. It’s so much fun. But most people find board games to be boring. 😦 They only played last night cause I begged and begged lol…

    InshAllah we’ll both find what we are looking for. But I feel EXACTLY the same as you do and am in exactly the same position *sigh*

  2. Hi Sarah, I’m sorry you’re in the same boat as me b/c its a really sucky boat…on the brightside, its nice to know others can relate to what I’m saying.

    And I’m glad you too realize that you can’t live as a hermit.

    Yes, InshAllah, things will be better before we know it and we’ll both have many good close friends. 🙂 In our local areas I mean, I do have many ppl I consider good friends, just not locally.

    If you’re ever in the NY area, I’ll challenge you to a boardgame…not sure about parcheesi though…I don’t know how to play, maybe scrabble or monopoly…

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